How I Came to Work in Taxation

Hello – the tax deadline is fast approaching! I hope everyone is ready for Monday!

I meet with many clients around this time and it never ceases to amaze me how I am often asked how I came to work in the tax profession.

Well… it’s a complicated tale. Luckily my personal biographer has just completed my completely accurate life history to the present – which should explain everything leading to my current occupational calling.

I thought I would share it with you.

Gezabelle’s life story as of 2013

Gezabelle D’Blogger , or Gez as she is known – has thus far led an exhilarating life full of adventure and discovery.

Gez was born on February 27 in the small quaint town of Henderson, Nevada. The daughter of migrant astronaut moon farmers, she lived in humble surroundings. Despite her meager environs, she dreamed of making it in the big city and worked hard at developing her now legendary talents.

After graduating from the esteemed Basic High School in 1986 she attended UNLV, where she majored in underwater basket weaving and earned her Bachelor of Science Degree. Confident that her education had provided her with an exceptional skill set, Gez embarked on a lucrative position in international espionage under the code name Gezabel Toadkiller. Regrettably, her promising spy career was cut short due to a freak waffle iron incident in the French Embassy.

Heartbroken and unemployed, she returned to Las Vegas to begin a new life. As a result of her excellent reputation and high level government connections it was not long after returning to Vegas that she secured gainful and meaningful employment. With her trademark optimism and can-do spirit she began a second career as a Space Alien Activities Coordinator and Planet Earth Tour Guide at Area 51. Again tragedy struck and despite a distinguished record of service and being four times decorated for Heroism and Bravery in a Buffet Line, she was forced to resign to avoid an intergalactic incident due to a scandal involving the Prime Minster of Zega Alfetti Five and a three bean salad.

Humiliated and disgraced, Gezabelle had no other option but to work as a janitor at McMurdo Station in Antarctica. Though she was facing a bleak and trivial existence, she soldiered on, determined to redeem herself in the eyes of the pan-galactic community and clear her name. While gracefully enduring these hardships she managed to accomplish her greatest and defining achievement -“ the uncovering of a Black Market penguin smuggling ring led by a notorious international criminal mastermind, Juan Carlos Smiftenberger.

After a prolonged battle, Gez single-handedly defeated Smiftenberger’™s sub-arctic attack squads and brought the vile criminal to justice. She returned home triumphant, reputation restored – a hero once more.

Unfortunately the years of combat coupled with her bon vivant lifestyle had taken their toll on Gezabelle and at the age of 44, she had to retire from the secret agenting profession. Satisfied with her past vocational efforts she returned to Las Vegas permanently. Now back in her home city, the 45-year-old former super-spy pursues a quiet life with her beloved partner Albert Mejia age 31, her son Morgan age 24 and her cat Reginald Fluffywhiskers age 2.

She currently works as a tax accountant.

Ah Spring… When a Tax Experts Thoughts Turn to Contemplations of Interpersonal Relations

In my work, I give a lot of formal written advice on possible tax issues. Apparently this has affected my daily writing style.

It was brought to my attention by my sweetheart that I may need to work on my writing style for my non- professional communications. I’m not sure what he means? For example, I sent him this heartfelt love letter, which I think clearly demonstrates my ability to effectively communicate in a style that is both appropriate and unambiguous to the situation at hand.

But please judge for yourself – Be warned the following text is pretty heady stuff.

Dear Mr. Mejia,

I affectionately hope you are having a productive and satisfying day. It is my intention to take this opportunity to let you know the extent to which I enjoy our continued romantic association, which is considerable. I sincerely desire that you find our continued amorous involvement mutually beneficial as well.

Additionally, I am composing this correspondence to inquire as to scheduling an appointment in the near future for an act of coitus. With said act to be performed at your convenience. If you would be as gracious as to consider a personal request, I would like to make a petition for an act of physical intimacy in “the male superior position” or as designated by Dr. Alfred Kinsey in his 1948 published work Sexual Behavior in the Human Male as “the English-American position.”

For reasons of clarity and full disclosure, please distinguish the contextual use of the designation “male superior” as a description for the aforementioned proposition as a technical term for the requested act and in no way conveys any assertion or acknowledgment of actual male superiority in the typical meaning of the word “superior”. If you would like further elucidation on the matter, I would be most amenable to providing you with further reference materials you may deem necessary.

If you are responsive to this invitation, please contact me with any scheduling recommendations, questions or requests.

It is also acknowledged and understood that any arrangement will not be considered a binding contract and neither party is under any obligation to perform once an arranged time is mutually agreed upon.

With heartfelt regards,
Gez

(And people say I lack romance in my soul)

Kiss me I’m Irish

Hey everybody – it’s the busy season. Which means – it’s busy!

Tomorrow is the filing deadline for Corporations unless you have a fiscal year FYI. You can file an extension – but ya gotta do that by tomorrow!

Although avoiding all sorts of late tax filing penalties is somewhat important, there is another subject I wanted to cover that is far more critical to remember! That of course is St. Patrick’s Day!

My fella, Albert – who is of Mexican descent – was recently inquiring about the significance of the St. Patrick’s day to Americans of Irish heritage (like myself). I think he phrased the query “So babe, what’s the big deal about St. Patrick’s Day?”

In an effort to share my Irish-American culture and our St. Patrick’s Day customs with “mi novio”, I explained the origin of the Feast of St. Patrick. Carefully stressing the meaning of this sacred holiday to those individuals who can trace their existence to the bog infested, shamrock encrusted, banshee wailing Emerald Isle – or Ireland.

I felt it was the least I could do to improve race relations within our relationship. (not that relations are bad – I love Mexican food, so more could a guy want?)

For anyone else who also remains unaware, please allow me to enlighten you of the magnitude of St. Paddy’s Day to my people.

March 17th of each year is the Feast Day of St. Patrick who died on March 17th, 461. In the early seventeen century, March 17th became a holy day of obligation and is set aside to commemorate St. Patrick’s conversion of the people of Ireland to Christianity. This feast day was granted by the Catholic Church to observe St. Patrick’s noble deeds and commitment to his church. Because of the solemnity of his efforts and religious significance of the life of St. Patrick to the people of Ireland, we celebrate his feast day by consuming vast quantities of beer (and maybe whiskey) until we are completely and totally wasted.

Drinking to the point of passing out face down in our corned beef and cabbage is not only encouraged but expected. If one does find them-self face down in their dinner, but manages to save them-self from drowning in potatoes and other assorted root vegetables without outside assistance – drinking continues. It continues until one is either unable to move, unconscious or until the risk of alcohol poisoning is imminent.

This time-honored tradition of heavy alcohol consumption is performed while wearing green clothing, a plastic leprechaun hat and a button that says “Kiss me I’m Irish”. The traditional ritual attire’s purpose is to confuse the cops when they come to arrest the revelers for drunk and disorderly conduct. Thus the attire acts as camouflage and eyewitnesses will inevitably give a description that will apply to a multitude of incoherent, drunken Irish celebrants. Faced with so many possible suspects to pursue, law enforcement officers will hopefully give up and just go grab some donuts.

Gifts of shamrocks, green beer and whiskey are given to friends and relatives to increase the profit margins of the booze industry and shamrock farmers. Which are the most ancient and honorable of professions among the Irish – next to tavern owner and jig dancer. Honorary Irish heritage is given to all races and creeds so that sales of the aforementioned products is not limited due to a prospective customer’s ethnic status. (Also the more drunk people wearing green the more camouflage therefore provided)

I’m certain the blessed Patron Saint of Ireland would be very proud of the descendants of his pagan converts. Not only for our dignified and reverent recognition of his faith and piety, but also of our keeping true to the spirit of our native homeland – drinking, eating and carousing.

I hope that clears up any confusion – I do try to be a helpful resource to my readers.

You gotta admit though, it’s one awesome holiday… Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

This doesn’t have much to do with taxes or anything I normally write about – however I found this blog post I wanted to share. It’s humorous and yet really thought provoking. I thought I would pass it along. – Enjoy!
Gez

Psycho-tainment

Okay, so technically he can’t really be a sociopath because you can’t diagnose that in a teenager since the part of the brain that regulates conscience isn’t fully developed yet.  But he is definitely a sociopath in training and would probably be diagnosed with Conduct Disorder (especially if Principal Rooney had his way).  His parents and the rest of society certainly enabled his antisocial behavior.  According to the professionals, sociopaths have at least three of the below attributes:

1. failure to conform to social norms (check)

2. deceitfulness, manipulativeness (check, mate)

3. impulsivity, failure to plan ahead (impulsivity, check, but Ferris put quite a bit of planning into his day off; though he didn’t plan how he would support his teenage cheerleader bride)

4. irritability, aggressiveness (yes, on the one or two times he almost didn’t get his way)

5. reckless disregard for the safety of self or others (check…

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Super Bowl XLVII

Hey football fans!! (that would be American Football – FYI)

Guess whose team won the Super Bowl!!! Oh yea, that’s right – yours truly. Some of you may recall my disclosure as a Raven’s fan in a video a while back. In that video masterpiece I explained that I am a fan of that team because my favorite color is purple. This isn’t the sole reason however, ’cause Ravens are just cool – period. Hey, you Edgar Allan Poe fans know what I’m talking about.

Well, it was an exciting Super Bowl at my house – I threw a decent party and it was a lot of fun. There were some 49er fans in the mix – I kinda wanted to feel bad for them – but just couldn’t feel anything but incredible, self-satisfied, near orgasmic joy.

It was especially gratifying in light of the constant reminder that my beloved team was gonna lose – which was practically a certainty. Since the first playoff game I would be accosted by random football aficionados while sportin’ my awesome Raven’s NFL jersey, who would try to give me helpful tips on how to handle the disappointment of the Ravens certain and inevitable loss.

I especially remember the affable yet annoying razzing I endured from the check-out clerk and the entire line at the Wal-Mart as they remarked on what was most assuredly was going to be a glorious victory for the Denver Broncos. In jovial mock sympathy for my misguided loyalty, my fellow grocery line-mates only hoped the Ravens would not lose too badly; so that I might avoid a truly painful game day afternoon.

I have decided to track each of them down and demand a written acknowledgement that they were wrong and I was right.

Then I am going to email the various sports show hosts and sports commentators and inform them that I OBVIOUSLY know far more than they do about football.

So rejoice fellow Ravens fans… our victory is complete! Even the “power outage” did not result in a defeat of our noble team.

… oh and Joe Flacco is like way hotter than Colin Kaepernick…

I know this jersey is totally cool - it's only natural if you are jealous.

I know this jersey is totally cool – it’s only natural if you are jealous.

Happy Tax Season

Well it’s that time of the year again! When everyone visits their neglected tax accountant – we get lonely ya know.

But I do have some kind of more exciting news – I’m kind of not completely “single” at the moment. It’s really, really weird.

For the past few months I have been seeing this very patient young man – who for some inexplicable reason likes to hear my tax work ramblings. Or more likely he is just good at sleeping with his eyes open. (which would explain the snoring when we go out during dinner)

Oh and for the CDC’s info on Zombie Preparedness click this link

Anyway here my latest update!

Enjoy!