So Just How Desperate and Dateless Are You?

Today I would like to share a collaborative piece written with a vastly talented comedic writer, I hope you enjoy our humble effort – lonelydesparateworkolics.com – With writing credit to Damon Rudd, comic genius.

Enjoy!

Unfortunately there are very few venues for those of us who work constantly to meet other overstressed singles who also work constantly.

Most of us furthermore have lame friends that are all either are happily married, pretending to be happily married or hapless losers like ourselves, in either scenario we are probably not going to score hanging out with these types.

We find ourselves with  little choice but to enter the online dating world – sadly this is our best hope to meet another living, breathing human being who, just maybe, will be able to look past the all our obvious imperfections and possibly fall deeply in “like” with our sorry career fixated selves.

Conceivably we could even find that equally wretched someone and become almost fond of each other? Who knows? The world is a strange place – full of improbable things occasionally happening.

If it were up to me, I would like to see a dating site that tries to truly connect people in practical ways. Kind of like the matchmakers of old – you know like in ancient China or modern India.  Maybe better matches could be achieved by using alternative criteria, for example matching capital gains up with capital losses perhaps, maybe try matching people by their mental issues or even psychosis.

It would also really help for dating sites to ask more personally relevant questions – like what turns on you love motor:

Intellectual conversation

Hot Body with matching strong jaw

An inexplicable facial tick

Lots of Cash

We need questions that matter  not useless drivel written by some sentimental sap – we already know everyone wants to pet kitties or puppies while holding hands on the beach at the same time as listening to jazz and drinking the finest wine that 7-11 had on its shelf.  All while blankly gazing up at the star crammed night sky. Isn’t all these unrealistic romantic notions just a given? Do we really need it to be reiterated on 50 or 60 different profiles?

If only we had some information about a person we could actually relate to–besides the kittens- then we could have a dating site that could actually bring together all those lonely people desperately looking for someone to watch the Big Bang Theory with them on DVR.

In other words – cut the crap! Get to the point, since when do we career determined professionals even get a chance to look at the stars? When we catch an episode of something on the Science Channel about astronomy, that’s when otherwise – forget about it. (But at least they are in hi-def)

Let’s face it we are getting lonely and old and we better find some sucker…uh, I mean nice person who will at least try to be there for us in our dotage,

I think it would also be judicious for people to try to have as much access as possible to someone’s dating appropriate personal information before actually meeting their potential date/ possible axe murder / individual afflicted with ECB Syndrome (Extremely Cheap Bastard). So background checks – police records – a few references that would be very beneficial …

In other words – We need a place for US!!

I propose creating a new online dating site called lonelydesparateworkolics.com – the place where people with dreadfully little time might get to spend a realistic amount of it with someone they could grow to enjoy or at least tolerate on the holidays. An online haven for those of us who could care less about the stargazing slackers and get to the point of interpersonal relationships  which is to have someone listen to our boring whinny complaints and say “yes you are sooo right” – so we can get back to work and stop spending valuable billable hours looking for “love”.

I wonder what conversations might take place on such a site. Hmmmm…

Hi TaxGirlsHaveMoreFun69,  (I’m assuming you were born in 1969 and will leave it at that)

I couldn’t help but notice your original profile on lonelydesparateworkolics.com.  You’re the first female on here that came up with such unique and original preferred activities such as: Going to the Movies, Enjoying anything Outdoors, listening to music, Dining (Eating) and traveling   You seem so different than the rest and thank you for being original as I’m starting to feel some kind of connection even without any interaction yet from you whatsoever.   With that said, I’m looking forward to hearing from you and will be refreshing my screen every 2 minutes to check and see if you have the guts to reply to me.

Hello Demonluvr256,

Thank you for your interest in me on lonelydesparateworkolics.com. I must say I was impressed with your introductory form letter – it was very persuasive.

So tell me a little bit about yourself. What do you enjoy doing if you have spare time?

Also could you please send your latest psychiatric evaluations and any pertinent health or financial concerns that may be challenges to a possible future involvement? I have included my own documentation as a courtesy.

I look forward to hearing from you,

My name is Gez

Dear Gez,

Thank you for replying in such a timely manner.  I sent you my original message almost 8 months ago and had a feeling that you must have had some computer issues, or internet connections issues.

I have lots to tell you about myself but I’m waiting for the background check first so please have a little patience.  I enjoy Going to the Movies, Enjoying anything Outdoors, listening to music, Dining (Eating) and traveling.  This is why I contacted you as we were a 98% Match on lonelydesparateworkolics.com. As far as my career, I’ve always started my own businesses and created my positions.  I enjoy creating business and developing them into sustainable revenue producing companies!

It’s been over 10 years since I’ve had a few issues, but it’s better to get this out of the way now so there are no surprises.  I believe in full transparency so here are the things I was treated for and released:

Adjustment Disorder, Agoraphobia, Alcohol/Substance Abuse, Anorexia Nervosa, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD, ADHD), Autistic Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder.  Gez, I can assure you that I’m completely cured from these symptoms.  Only on a rare occasion I will twitch and sometimes spew out a word or 2 from my turrets syndrome which the doctors couldn’t help me with.

My number is 555-222-4778 and looking forward to calling you. I’m getting out of town soon and driving to L.A. this weekend but if you are not busy I can call in between your super-duper busy event driven weekend and introduce myself. I tried to run a background check on you but I got a warning that it will eat up too much computer memory so I’ll take my chances… and my name is Damon Rudd 😉

Dear Damon

Wow we have so much in common; it is so difficult to find someone that can really “gets” you. I like to get outta dodge as well whenever I can – just been so busy.

I must say your background check was pretty lengthy as well. I was glad to note you were only charged but not convicted of international espionage.

A few of my buddies from college were in the international espionage business, very lucrative. Unfortunately there is always the risk of long prison sentences until you can be traded for another spy, so my friend base keeps getting smaller.  But it is a good thing to have long term friends. I have many pals I’ve known for 20+ years but no childhood friends. I didn’t socialize much as a child. I was too busy with my Playskool little accountant play set. I also maintained a certain professional distance from my playmates; it helps to retain a level of professionalism in all aspects of life.

I ended up in tax law to atone for all my sins in my past life – it was either that or be reborn as an amoeba. But thankfully tax work is a thrill ride of unexpected revenue rulings, arbitrary and meaningless changes to forms, and new creative ways to annoy the heck out of you and your entire client base. It is the very definition of excitement. Go ahead and look it up – I dare you. But there are some days that are truly stressful.

Until later

Gez

Dear Gez

Good morning! You are a true entrepreneur! Drinking sometimes helps. My doctor told me that vodka/steak is good for my health and my business mind. He warned me to stay away from water and salads… 🙂 On a side note, now that you met me (And soon myself and I) and we have so much in common, you can let your hair down and not worry about keeping the professional distance.  In fact, we can act un-professional around each other.  Who needs to abide by societary norms or man-made rules on how we must behave or interact!

You definitely have passion for what you do and it shows. I co-founded an online company that helps undiscovered music artists find more realistic expectations than to get discovered. We have some of the most respected killjoys in the country working with our company platform that gives the artists a chance to end the hopeless dreams of their artistic career goals. Our company  services includes getting them work in meaningless support staff positions in automated radio stations or exciting employment tidying up after live performances etc… It’s been an interesting 3 years so far building this company!

I am of course an awesome guy that way.

But as you know, the hard work is rewarding! So what side of town are you on? How long are you in Vegas?

Dear Damon

Quite the accomplishment I must say I am impressed – it is good to see you are also a humble person as well. Many people say that my outstanding brilliance is only eclipsed by my unfailing humility. Those people I am referring to are Me, Myself & I – we are very close.

But seriously this is really fun – not as fun as tax law, but eh what is 🙂

We must have the same doctor – although mine switched me to Bourbon or Whiskey, Vodka was not covered by my PPO. I like my steaks rare – like almost raw. It sometimes grosses my friends out.

Hard work is indeed rewarding – I am the kind of person that likes to have a purpose. You company sounds really cool, I bet it has been an interesting 3 years. Sounds fun too. It sounds like you make a positive impact in people’s lives – the sooner they realize life is not about hopes and dreams – but bitter harsh disappointments the better off they will be in the long run.

I live on the NW side of town; I was born in this Valley. I have only lived in other states for short periods of time. Most of my life has been lived here. So where do you live?

With increasingly tepid affection,

Gez

Dear Gez

Yes, I’m glad you have a normal doctor and the right insurance plan! Bourbon and Whiskey works well too!!! I worry about my friends that eat salads all the time… 🙂

WOW, I know Me, Myself and I too?  How do you know them?   I know them all my life and close with them too.  I’m afraid to ask… how close are you with them?  I hope we didn’t have similar experiences…

Yes, this is fun and always wanted to inquire about getting into tax law or the pleasure of joining a tax law club.   I could just imagine how entertaining it must be!!

So you are also a good networker I can tell and born in Vegas… WOW. So can I blame you for all the growth? It’s your fault! I’m in Henderson, Anthem area. I grew up in Southern California, lived in Monterey, CA for a while before moving here 9 years ago. I like it out here.

So are the guys all over you online here? 😉

Dear Damon

I am sorry about the growth, my bad. But, Hey I did try to stop it by crashing the world economy so I should get credit for that – I think I did a good job at slowing things down.

I live in the Summerlin area – I like the Anthem area better. I would have loved to have lived in California, it is so beautiful. However, I am too used to living in a city where all life’s important moments happen in a casino to ever live anywhere else. I had my high school graduation in the Aladdin Center for The Preforming Arts; I can’t remember what casino ballroom my prom was held in – not to mention weddings, anniversaries, birthdays… I am waiting for casino funerals and divorce courts so no one ever has to be too far from a slot machine when faced with life’s little distractions.

And like most native Las Vegans (there are 14 of us) I have a panic attack if I get too far away from either neon or green felt topped surfaces for an extended period of time. Thankfully, now that there is tribal gaming I can finally travel across the US on a road trip. However I keep a pair of dice and a deck of cards on hand in case of an emergency. (One can never be too prepared)

I don’t gamble though – I find it boring and I would rather buy shoes with my truly disposable income.

I have been a bit overwhelmed by the responses to this online dating thing. I went on one date with a guy I met online. It was an unmitigated disaster – let me describe it so that you – so you may share it with your fellow men at the next man meeting. That way you may all benefit from his mistakes.

While staring at me as if I was the dessert cart, he started bragging about his awesome car – a 1974 Chevy Nova which he never let anyone drive. It was far too fine an automobile… He was also; well to put it bluntly – cheap. I think I could have sent him into cardiac arrest if I wanted to by telling him how much I paid for my shoes. He was very dismayed that we had missed the happy hour prices at the Applebee’s he had chosen as the scene of our rendezvous. I insisted that I pay for my own meal – he had brought his leftovers from home in a brown bag.

He tended to ramble about his cat Mrs. Fluffywhiskers if there was a lull in conversation, which was 85% of the actual ordeal. The rest he spent bemoaning his single state.

I started pondering if a bread knife would be sufficient means in which to commit the Japanese sacred ritual of Seppuku, when my steak arrived. Unfortunately, I deemed the steak knife would also be inadequate for the task – additionally I did not have a proper attendant to finish the ritual, although I think I could have talked the waiter into assisting me. He was a very good waiter; good customer service is truly under appreciated. So I tried to summon the will to live or at least survive.

Dear Gez

WOW. I thoroughly enjoyed reading your emails. So I’ll elaborate as well. So it is you that created the biggest crash in US history since 1929! Thank you… But don’t you think you went a little too far? I mean, look what you did to Spain and Greece… and all in the name of slowing our growth, but it’s truly appreciated! When will you turn the switch back on so that my appraisal from 2007 can come out of the “Joke of the Year” section of my scrap book?

When I moved to Vegas all knew about was an amazing community in Henderson as it was the first community I accidentally ran into while on a business trip. It’s a long story on how I convinced my ex to even look at a house in Vegas. I grew up in Los Angeles,  California and appreciate the beauty of Cali, but don’t miss the lifestyle as it’s like living in Brazil only with wall to wall cement, and one giant parking lot as part of the transportation infrastructure.

Anyway, with all this chatter, why don’t we meet for dinner as I’d like to take you to a really nice exclusive Italian restaurant, the Olive Garden.  I usually don’t go all out on a first date but since it’s obvious there is something here I don’t mind splurging.  All kidding aside, let’s grab dinner and drinks this weekend and continue this conversation over a cocktail or 3.  I could just imagine how compelling it will be when we are next to each other talking about our experiences when we are slightly buzzed.

Since I tried calling you already 3 times and received 3 darn good excuses on why you couldn’t speak, I’ll text you the details with the hopes that you can make it.   😉

Damon

Dear Damon

Wow you are a classy guy – Olive Garden! I love their breadsticks! Sounds great I look forward to your text.

Oh and I have the transcript of the UN hearing held on my crashing of the world economy. I know it was a bit of a mess but sometimes you just have to take a stand and damn the consequences. You know what they say you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. I think I have the transcript form the international tribunal somewhere lemme dig it up – I went shopping during the recess and I guess they decided I had been punished enough since there were no worthwhile sales in the area – so they let me go.

CR 2010/16

Cour internationale                                                                                                   International Court

de Justice                                                                                                                            of Justice

LA HAYE                                                                                                                             THE HAGUE

ANNÉE 2010

Audience publique tenue le lundi 21 septembre 2010, à 10 heures, au Palais de la Paix,

In the case concerning the cause of the Global Financial Meltdown

Judges     Cornwall

                     Al-Bethere

                     Burgermunster

                    Dudemiester

                    Harekrishna           

                    Popov

                    Wong

                    Stuff

 

The accused, Ms. Gez A Belle – aka Gezabelle, is represented by Mr. Thomas Michaels Esq.  The International Monetary Fund IMF is presented by Mr. Sum Ting Wong Esq.

 

[The accused has not entered court]

— Upon commencing at 11.00 a.m.

 

Judge Cornwall:  Good morning, everyone.  Would the Registrar please call the case.

The Registrar:  Thank you and good morning, Your Honors.  This is case number LMN-95-8/18-0, the United Nations versus Ms. Gez A Belle.

Judge Cornwall: Mr. Michaels, where is your client?

Mr. Michaels: Um… she is running late, she is apparently having some issues pertaining to her attire.

Judge Cornwall: Her Attire?  Mr. Wong, as the sitting defense attorney for the IMF do you have any objections for a possible slight delay?

Mr. Wong: Yes, I object! If re all are exected to re on time, then Ms. Gez A Berre should be here too without furder deray.

Mr. Michaels: Yes, um she says she can’t quite find a shade of lipstick she feels is International trial-ly enough. But she is on her way and should be here in like five minutes.

Judge Cornwall: Are you sure your client realizes the gravity of this case?

Mr. Wong: Mr. Michaels, are you insinuating that the courts will be held up because of a wong shade of ripstick?

Mr. Michaels: Ummm Well I am not –

The accused: Hey guys! I am sorry I am late, but you know how hard it is to find just the right look for an occasion.

Judge Cornwall: Ms. Belle, we do not appreciate you wasting the courts time.

The accused: Well, in my defense. I really look great in this color palate.

Judge Cornwall: Let’s just proceed. Mr. Michaels your client has prepared a statement on her involvement of the Global financial meltdown that occurred because she felt her home city of Las Vegas, Nevada was becoming too crowded?

Mr. Michaels: Yes she has your Honor

Mr. Wong: I object.  It is compretely her fault for letting almost 2 million people come to the Vegas valley.  Ms. Berre is single handedly responsible for what happened not only in Ras Vegas, but to the world economic crisis as she created a domino effect!

Judge Cornwall: Will the accused read from her statement

The accused: Yes your honor – Oops.

Judge Cornwall: Oops? That is it the entire statement.

The accused: Well, I thought it covered the necessary points.

Judge Cornwall: Could you elaborate for the court why you felt it was necessary to destroy the world’s economic base? Please enlighten us as to your justification.

Mr. Michaels: I object to the question, on the grounds my client is a complete idiot and therefore will not be able to reasonably answer –

The accused: No, I will answer; I could not find a parking space close enough to the mall and on the strip valet would fill up too quickly on weekends so I would have to self-park. Something had to be done to rectify the situation, people were suffering – namely me. And really Tom – you are saying I am an idiot when you are wearing that shirt and tie combo?

Mr. Michaels: I told you it was all I had to wear; I could not get my dry cleaning –

Judge Cornwall: Enough – counsel please refrain from discussions unrelated to the current proceeding. Ms. Belle did you not think of the effect on World Trade, for example the toll on the Euro as a currency.

Mr. Wong: I am so confused… Ms. Gaz A Berre, are you terring me that you took down the entire world banking system incruding the uncovering of the Ponzi scheme by the biggest financial institutions and mortgage industry just so you can park close to marll?

The accused: Yea, and I have been also dying to address the Euro – it’s just stupid. And Mr. Sum Ting Wong, please call me by my full name when you address me.  My name is Ms. Gez A Belle.

Mr. Wong: I am so sowwy Ms. Berre, I will respect your wishes.

Judge Burgermunster: Stupid? Just to clarify are you making a judgment based on critics of the currencies economic foundations? Since it has no centralized banking or planning to keep it stable? Please elaborate, for the record. 

The accused: No it is just dumb; it totally lacks creativity as a currency. Calling the Euro, really? Nothing better came to mind? I mean you in the US we don’t call our currency the Unitie or in Mexico the Mexo, it is just not well thought out at all. And the symbol an “E” looking thing, then making that statue thingy outside the Eurotower with the little stars around it – really? You know you are in trouble if you have a currency symbol with little stars around it. You might as well put little smiley faces as well. Hey, look this is just an awesome new currency. See it has stars.

Judge Cornwall: That is your bases for judgment – aesthetics?

The accused: Yea, pretty much. I kind of don’t see the point in any other contemplations or considerations – I think my argument stands on its own merits.

Judge Burgermunster: Does the accused know what that the possible impact to countries such as Greece and Spain – what of other countries. How can you justify the economic disaster that will befall these nations?

The accused: Well, I figure that I had to think of the children.

Judge Cornwall: The children?

The accused: Yes, I feel that facing hardships builds character, so just think of all the characters we will have in the next ten or so years. After all poverty and hardship gave us Charlie Chaplin – so it can’t be all bad.

Mr. Michaels: You honor, I request that we not include any further testimony from my client into the record as it is obviously the inane ranting of a lunatic. She obviously needs psychiatric care.

Judge Burgermunster: I am inclined to agree with Attorney Michaels. However –

The accused: I object

Judge Dudemiester: Ma’am you may not object. Please follows court procedures.

Mr. Michaels: Your honor can I request a recess? I really need to find a liquor store so that I may continue with these proceedings.

Judge Cornwall: Normally that would be a highly improper request; however I doubt that the client probably would not be harmed by her representative’s intoxication. Furthermore I believe it would probably be the humane thing to do in this case.

Mr. Wong: I object!

Judge Cornwall:  Mr. Wong, can you elaborate on why you think something wrong with Mr. Michael’s statement? But please do so after recess.   We will recess for fifteen minutes.   

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7 thoughts on “So Just How Desperate and Dateless Are You?

  1. Katie says:

    Great post! I laughed through this whole thing!

  2. paywindow7 says:

    Ah ha, so the cause of our dwindling birthrate is revealed to be(drum roll please) a lack of good usernames…?
    whoknew

  3. paywindow7 says:

    I really enjoyed this, very creative and funny. I hope you two do more of these.

  4. Stephanie Russo says:

    I laughed so hard at this I think I broke something. I want to read what happens next so I can break its counterpart!

  5. dave says:

    I guess that guys are holding out longer and longer without approaching women so that THEY,some day soon, hopefully, will become valuable and be the prize.

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